Sending strength and love. It’s the hardest best thing. I had both perinatal anxiety/ depression and very bad PND and I honestly thought, at points, none of it would get easier. But it has (my daughter is almost 3) and it does. There are amazing moments which rub alongside the hard moments. It’s everything all at once. xx
It really truly is everything all at once. I think I need to get that on the wall in front of my desk! Thank you so much for reading and for the love xxx
Beautiful, raw and honest writing. I’m not a parent (not to a human at least!) and we haven’t met in real life but I know you are a great writer, a brave woman and a wonderful mum ❤️
This is so honest and moving. What you wrote about photos struck me, because when I had to look for images of my children when they were little, I realised I had very few. At first I felt bad. Then I remembered. They didn’t like me taking photos when they were playing or in the middle of doing something i thought was cute/funny/iconic:outrageous. It took them out of that moment of complete absorption. So i’d make little notes later instead….or wouldn’t…. Or i would just remember anyway… or not…. And i quite like that my memories are not conditioned by photos (even if it’s lovely when one turns up and it triggers memory)…but in the end the only important thing for our kids and for us as mums is to love them, be there, enjoy them when we can and do our best when we can’t….
I remember the moment I realised that my job is essentially to make my baby strong enough not to need me. That you are preparing them to, ultimately, leave. It hit me like a thunderbolt and my heart never stops aching because of it. I’ve never used the word grief in this way but you are absolutely right. Thank you for your honesty. It’s a wild ride.
Beautiful honest writing. That really resonates with me too; the grief of trying to hold on to what they were like when they were younger. But we have make the best we could have every moment and we have enjoyed that. Even if sometimes it wasn’t perfect we can forgive ourselves for not being as present as we might have been. We can only resolve to do what we do right now. So resolution is a good word.
I have a nearly 1 year old and found myself nodding along at the reflections on grief (and the reluctance to holiday with a baby) and the enjoyment of structure with the return of work - reading this post was yet another reminder that I’m not alone in these feelings! I hope this next phase is indeed more consoling for you
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly. I am not a mum, and am unlikely to ever be – but I know if I were, I would feel the same as you. I have the same anxiety over time and capturing moments. I have the same mental health challenges (and I suspect, possibly, maybe, undiagnosed OCD and emetophobia, which is the first time I've admitted that outside of my own brain). So, I hear you. And I am glad you are slowly coming out of the other side of this pit of it all.
Sending strength and love. It’s the hardest best thing. I had both perinatal anxiety/ depression and very bad PND and I honestly thought, at points, none of it would get easier. But it has (my daughter is almost 3) and it does. There are amazing moments which rub alongside the hard moments. It’s everything all at once. xx
It really truly is everything all at once. I think I need to get that on the wall in front of my desk! Thank you so much for reading and for the love xxx
So sorry to hear what you’ve been through C. Big hug to you. 💙
Thank you so much, Sinead xx
Beautiful, raw and honest writing. I’m not a parent (not to a human at least!) and we haven’t met in real life but I know you are a great writer, a brave woman and a wonderful mum ❤️
Thank you Philippa. This is extremely kind xxx
This is so honest and moving. What you wrote about photos struck me, because when I had to look for images of my children when they were little, I realised I had very few. At first I felt bad. Then I remembered. They didn’t like me taking photos when they were playing or in the middle of doing something i thought was cute/funny/iconic:outrageous. It took them out of that moment of complete absorption. So i’d make little notes later instead….or wouldn’t…. Or i would just remember anyway… or not…. And i quite like that my memories are not conditioned by photos (even if it’s lovely when one turns up and it triggers memory)…but in the end the only important thing for our kids and for us as mums is to love them, be there, enjoy them when we can and do our best when we can’t….
Gosh thank you so much for reading. And for sending me this. I hear/see so much what you're describing!
Sending a big virtual hug. It sounds to me as if you're making an excellent fist of the hardest job in the world. X
Thank you dear Christina ❤️❤️
❤️❤️
I remember the moment I realised that my job is essentially to make my baby strong enough not to need me. That you are preparing them to, ultimately, leave. It hit me like a thunderbolt and my heart never stops aching because of it. I’ve never used the word grief in this way but you are absolutely right. Thank you for your honesty. It’s a wild ride.
Beautiful honest writing. That really resonates with me too; the grief of trying to hold on to what they were like when they were younger. But we have make the best we could have every moment and we have enjoyed that. Even if sometimes it wasn’t perfect we can forgive ourselves for not being as present as we might have been. We can only resolve to do what we do right now. So resolution is a good word.
I have a nearly 1 year old and found myself nodding along at the reflections on grief (and the reluctance to holiday with a baby) and the enjoyment of structure with the return of work - reading this post was yet another reminder that I’m not alone in these feelings! I hope this next phase is indeed more consoling for you
Thank you so much for reading, Olivia. A very big congratulations to you for your baby's 1st birthday!
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly. I am not a mum, and am unlikely to ever be – but I know if I were, I would feel the same as you. I have the same anxiety over time and capturing moments. I have the same mental health challenges (and I suspect, possibly, maybe, undiagnosed OCD and emetophobia, which is the first time I've admitted that outside of my own brain). So, I hear you. And I am glad you are slowly coming out of the other side of this pit of it all.
Thank you so much Jo. I so appreciate you. I'm really sorry you have some of those same mental health struggles -- they filter into everything. xx